Fuck you for breaking my heart and killing my soul.

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3/6 C Bombs For The Year

I recently had a massive debate with a group of culturally diverse people about ‘racism’ and what the term means and who can be affected by racism. It was really rather interesting and quite enlightening.

What struck me the most was their insistence that my self-deprecating view was upsetting for them to hear.

Logically I know I’m not to blame for the atrocities committed hundreds of years ago but that doesn’t stop me from still feeling pained and ashamed for them.

Undirected Heartbreak

It felt like I’d just had my heartbroken. I couldn’t write about it though.

No. I just couldn’t.

Instead I did something that very rarely do… I channelled that pain and disguised it into something else.

I’m so used to being so explicit in my poetry about what the actual matter is that at times I wonder if the person who it’s directed at knows. If they do, they never say.

Living With…

My masseuse does tend to like to discuss things when I go for a reflexology session. She draws out the feelings during the treatment and then likes to reason with me on them afterwards.

She kept using the word ‘narcissist’ in relation to my immediate family. * I know my family can at times be narcissistic; but she was wrong in saying that I was a victim of that.

Narcissists produce more narcissists. I’m in no way suggesting that I’m a one myself; but I’m not completely innocent in not being one.

I think I became so used to everything being about everyone else in my family when I lived there; that now I’m alone I’m falling into the habit of becoming self-absorbed.

Before I had others to care for and to watch out for. I used to have to protect my brother from others; and my mother from herself. I never really had time to protect or care for myself; and no one else protected or cared for me.

So now that I’m alone, I know I’m in danger of becoming selfish and self-absorbed; and I hate that. I hate how I feel I’m becoming. Everything is ‘me, me, me’; and I don’t know how to stop it.

*my masseuse is a family friend so she knows my family and so has every right in expressing her personal observation

A Sudden Realisation

I had no idea that what I know I really quite like actually stems from what happened when I was younger.

I never bought into the whole ‘daddy issues’ bullshit; on reflection however, I am now much more sympathetic.

I know it’s taken now to be some kind of kink, but I guess in reality a lot of what we enjoy stems from past experiences.